Sunday, January 29, 2012

Moving... in? on? around?

moved into my own apartment today
i was suppose to be moving in with Jay...
I was suppose to be moving into the building I choose to move to
-with jay-

there is a sense of calmness here
like, maybe Jay is here with me in spirit, happy to have finally "moved in" to this place
Happy is thrilled to be here.
He's doing laps around the apartment
Psyched to leave days in the cage behind him
His new favorite place to hide is under the couch, and he's kind of fascinated with the toilet, especially right after it's flushed.

Yet, I'm here, so sad.
Missing Jay so much.
I've found his toothbrush, the carpet he was pulled out onto by the EMTs
I'm sitting on the couch we use to cuddle on
I've found way too much.
Haunted by it all. Yet I can't let go of it.
I can't let go of him.
Am I going crazy?
or maybe, I'm already there?

Dad says moving out of his place and into my own place is about moving on.
I don't really feel like I'm "moving on" at all.
This step feels more like, moving around...

ahhhhh....
anyone else have experience with this?

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Beyond some fifty heavenly spires

Beyond some fifty heavenly spires,
Below the purple mist, and cool, cobalt fires,
Wedged between some jade colored stone,
And held within deep thought alone,
Lay Denmark, the Angel.

Under the shade of a Whaling, White, Willow,
Adorning his head, are his wings like a pillow,
He basks on the bank of a surrealistic scene,
Under a daytime moon that shines like a dream,
Peace be with Denmark, the Angel.

Few have heard of Denmark’s story,
(Which has said to have been lost, at the height of its glory,)
And Denmark himself, a handsome Devil,
Is said to be no more than a common fellow,
(Well, as common as an Angel can be.)

You see; Denmark, the Angel, has but one power,
An ability to devote one with love, if you will a shower,
A parade of affection, an uncanny desire,
To fill ones life with an essence of fire,
Imbue a soul with unthinkable passion,
And dress ones life in pristine fashion,
Acknowledge: This is Denmark’s gift.

Yet, Denmark is allowed but only one time,
To find such a creature to install something so utterly divine,
And with this knowledge develop for him,
The philosophy to never go out on a whim,
That with such a heavenly gift,
Came a responsibility greater than Gods!

For God may give to every being,
An undying love that can be neither felt nor seen,
Where as Denmark, the Angel must carefully choose,
Such an awesome power for he will one day loose,
Acknowledge: This is Denmark’s fear.

This is why Denmark’s tears fall like rain,
And if you had his fate, surely you would do the same,
For a perfect love, you had the power to give,
Yet, within all the world and heavens above, it was for one life to live,
Could you, would you ever want to be Denmark, the Angel?


You exist in Heaven, yet, you live in Hell,
You understand your fate, and you wear it well,
But none the less, you proceed with your days,
Within the angelic world, of an ever heavenly gaze,
Note: That this is Denmark’s plight.

So with these cruel, cooling days of November,
I ask my friends in good nature, remember,
That above your life exist another,
The life of Denmark, Heavens Notorious Lover,
Denmark: His true name is revealed.

When the autumn moon is gold and eerily cast,
And the breezes carries with it the memories of the past,
Lovers, friends, and family,
Think of our friend Denmark, who cries somberly.
By the Whaling, White, Willows, near a lake,
Where he hides from the shadow of his fate,
Say his name and wait a while,
And on ones face shall appear a smile,
For the essence of his power is so incredibly strong,
It can stretch at the thought of him, for a moment not to long,
And give the tiniest amount of hope you see,
To Denmark, the Angel with the Lovers existence of Agony.

-- Jason L. Mathes

Saturday, January 21, 2012

addiction

today is such a struggle....
anyone else out there been through this?
the loss of someone to addiction...
does anyone understand the disease? the lies? the want?
why jay? why not someone else....
i hate that i can't find the place in my heart to get mad at him, but i get mad at others for living...

i'm going to browse around blogger.
maybe ill find someone else who is going through similar situations

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

help me make some money...
please click here and dl :)

never the same

6 months ago my life changed forever
the night replays over and over in my head
dear baby, please watch over me. i want to be with you. i'm ready to be taken to that magical place that you are. but until whoever decides its my time, please don't leave my side. you are always and will forever be in my heart, the first thought when i wake up in the morning, in my dreams at night, and the heaviness that i carry with me.

just don't know what to do with myself

can't sleep
crazy dreams
these thoughts just don't stop
sadness
tears
lost

just don't know what to do with myself sometimes, and i try to get lost in some art.
recently I bought this pattern off of etsy.
it's turning out to be incredibly easy - soft and warm :)

stay warm - comfort crochet pattern on me!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

here we go around again

i keep coming and going
i want to say that this time i'm staying

i need to write
get it all out

these thoughts inside my head
they're driving me mad
sometimes i just feel so beyond sad
hopeless
lost
my soulmate is gone

why jay - why did you make the choice to use?
a needle?
heroin?
locked inside my bathroom
lying on the floor

why did you stop trying?
was it a mistake?
i hate to think that you'd leave me on purpose
but i called you out on your use that day
i asked you to go to detox
had you given up hope on yourself?
I didn't think so
I never gave up hope for you
for us
for our lives together
always looking forward to coming home to you
feeling safest by your side

the noises
snoring?
gas?
gasping for air?
they don't leave my head

the panic breaking into the bathroom
screaming your name
no screwdriver
use a scissor
can't get the lever open
can't see you on the floor

your body.
it's blue
i don't feel a pulse
there's a needle on the ground
help
i need help

no shoes
can't think
running outside
screaming for help
someone call 911
i need help
i'm dying with you
i must hold on
i have to save you

i move the shirt you wrapped around your arm
sit you up
there's blood on the ground
mucus coming out of your mouth
no movement in your eyes

EMTs they came quick
what did he take?
i have no clue
was he drinking?
i don't know
did you guys smoke pot
no nothing. we've been together for 3 hours.
he hasn't left my sight
no drugs. no drinking.

i'm hysterical.
they pull out tubes.
someone get her out of here
it's worse not watching
not knowing
scared to death.
must hold on

they bring you out.
gas mask on
i see the emt get on top of you in the ambulance.
he's working hard
jay please
i need you
don't go
i pray
tears. uncontrolable.
so sad.
my savior. my safety. my other half. one true love
fading away before my eyes
i can't do anything to make things better
please god please just let things be ok

the ambulance is off
he'll be at the hospital in minutes
they will save him.
i have to go

i can't leave
it's a crime scene
trapped
please god please save my baby

it's not long after he's gone
his mother calls and says they are working on him
i'm on the phone with her when the drs come out to talk to her
tori. he's gone.

my world crashed
overwhelming sadness
i lay in his bed that night
can't believe he's gone
someone help - help me go with him.

he doesn't look like himself in the coffin
i stay
i hold his hand
i never leave his side
i watch them roll him down
close the lid
lock him in
oh god. ill never see my jay again
my world is so dark
i'm dead inside

i speak at his flower covered coffin
i can't get through it
i break down and cry
i hate you god
why didnt i get into the bathroom sooner?
why didn't he come to me?
why?
why?
why?
so much guilt
so much sadness

everyone leaves.
i stay
they slide him into the wall
i rub his coffin
jay i never left your side
i would have never left my side
im not ready for you to be my angle - i need you here on earth

months later
the sadness overwhelming
meds dont stop the daily crying
the hopelessness
i'm ready to go
i want to be with my other half. my soulmate.
the man who made me feel safe.
i'm ready
please take me
please bring us back together...