this post will get deleted.... just using google talk to "read" haha

Although retirement can represent time and opportunity for travel, hobby pursuit, and quality family-time, this period also brings the daunting challenge of living on a fixed income. To help individuals meet this challenge, the United States government implemented Social Security in 1937 and continues to offer tax incentives today for establishing and contributing to retirement savings plans.
Because many retirement plans are funded by insurance products - primarily annuities - it is important for insurance professionals to be able to explain them to customers. Unit 15 explores the various options individuals, families, businesses, and non-profit organizations have for funding retirement. It also examines the functions and benefits of the federal Social Security program.
This unit is divided into three sections:
Retirement Plans
Tax Considerations for Qualified Retirement Plans
Social Security

Retirement savings plans are classified as qualified or nonqualified based on whether or not they meet specific federal guidelines.

Qualified Plans
A qualified plan meets the requirements of the Internal Revenue Code section 401(a) and the Employee Retirement Income Security Act (ERISA) of 1974.
Qualified retirement plans receive favorable tax treatment. Contributions to a qualified plan can reduce current taxable income. In addition, money accumulated within the plan is not taxable until the owner begins receiving distributions at retirement.
Tax considerations for qualified retirement plans are discussed in Section 2.

Nonqualified Plans
Nonqualified plans do not meet federal guidelines for favorable tax treatment.
Under a nonqualified retirement plan, an employee defers receipt of current earnings—such as raises and bonuses—until retirement.
Deferred compensation and other nonqualified plans are most commonly used for highly compensated employees.
Certain nonqualified plans include additional features and considerations:
Nonqualified retirement arrangements are an option for individuals who are ineligible for participation in a qualified plan or have already invested the maximum amount they are allowed to contribute to a qualified plan for a given year.
Individuals can defer taxes on investment earnings, but contributions are still taxed before they are invested.
A nonqualified plan may be funded, which means it is backed by an annuity, or it may be unfunded, meaning the employer promises to issue additional capital in the future. Unfunded plans carry the risk of the employer becoming insolvent before the funds are proffered.

The two major classifications of qualified retirement plans are: defined benefit plans, and defined contribution plans. Both require continual reporting to the IRS, as well as other government entities, depending on the plan.

Defined Benefit Plans
A defined benefit plan provides a specific or “defined” benefit to employees upon retirement. The employer makes all contributions on behalf of eligible employees.
Benefit amounts are specified in retirement plans based on a formula utilizing factors such as salary history and length of employment. However, employer contribution amounts are not specified.
Funding for a defined benefit plan can be provided by the employer through either a group deferred annuity or an individual deferred annuity.

Defined Contribution Plans
A defined contribution plan controls how much is contributed to the plan on behalf of eligible employees, but not the amount in benefits to be received at retirement.
With a defined contribution plan, the employer generally agrees to contribute a set amount of money, often based on a percentage of an employee’s salary, to the retirement plan each year and offers a variety of investment options for the funds.

Defined benefit plans have traditionally been called pension plans. They are designed to provide a fixed or defined source of income when an employee retires.

The amount of money received at retirement is based on the:
Employee’s final or average salary
Length of employment with the company
Employee’s age at retirement

Defined benefit plans are set up by employers who make all the contributions and determine how all funds are invested. They generally pay a regular monthly benefit to retired employees for life.
In order to obtain pension benefits, an employee must be vested.
A vested employee has the right to collect a pension at a certain age, even if he moves to another company before reaching retirement age. Employees may need to be employed for a certain number of years before they are fully vested in a company plan, and those who leave their jobs before becoming vested may lose all of their pension rights.
Although the IRS allows companies to set their own vesting schedules, it places a maximum timeframe of six years.

A simplified employee pension (SEP) plan is an employer-sponsored defined benefit plan that has minimal IRS reporting and disclosure requirements for compliance.
Any type of business entity (such as a sole proprietorship, partnership, corporation, and certain tax-exempt organizations) can establish an SEP plan for its employees.
SEP plans allow small employers to make contributions directly into an individual retirement arrangement (IRA), more commonly referred to as an individual retirement account.
SEPs provide an easier means of offering a pension plan, since IRAs are less complicated to establish and administer.
SEPs can be set up by a business for employees or by a self-employed individual. Contributions made by an employer to an employee’s SEP are not part of the employee’s annual taxable income, provided the amount does not exceed $40,000 or 25% of the employee’s compensation.

Employers are required to make contributions for each of their employees who:
Is age 21 or older.
Has worked for the employer during the current year.
Received compensation from the employer in at least three of the past five years.

SEP contribution rates can vary over time, but the rate must be uniform for all employees. SEPs are vested immediately. Although an employee has some control over where the contributions are invested, only employer contributions are permitted.
An SEP plan can be used for a business of any size, but generally the business cannot simultaneously offer any other retirement plan. IRAs including SEPs may not be funded with a life insurance product unless it is an annuity.

Defined contribution plans differ from defined benefit arrangements in that there is no guarantee of a specific retirement benefit. The amount an employee receives is based on the amount contributed to the plan, how it is invested, and the return on the investment. Investments may not perform as well as expected, resulting in fewer funds available for retirement.
Defined contribution plans generally give employees greater control over where their retirement money is invested. Employees can also transfer the funds to a new employer’s plan upon changing jobs. Employee participation in defined contribution plans is generally optional.
An employer may offer only one kind of defined contribution plan to employees. Available options include:
IRAs – traditional and Roth
Profit sharing plans
CODA plans
403(b) tax sheltered annuities
SIMPLE plans
Keogh Plans for Self-Employed Individuals
Money purchase plans
These plans are discussed in detail throughout this section.

Since 1974, a defined contribution plan called an individual retirement arrangement, or IRA, has helped people with earned income—including the self-employed—save for retirement while simultaneously benefiting from several tax advantages. IRAs can also be opened by small businesses.
The only requirement for opening an IRA is having earned income – that’s money earned as compensation for employment rather than inheritance, life insurance benefits, or other non-work-related forms of income.
Individuals may contribute 100% of income earned to an IRA as long as total annual contributions do not exceed $5,000. This contribution limit applies whether the deposits are all placed in one account or divided between two or more accounts. Annual contributions can never exceed one’s earnings, so a person making $4,500 is allowed to contribute up to $4,500, while a person making $8,000 may only contribute up to $5,000.
Spousal IRAs for non-working or part-time employed spouses may be established based on the same limitations as those that apply to the working spouse. Contributions may not exceed 100% of the wage-earning spouse’s earned income.
Money in an IRA can be invested in a variety of options with the exception of collectibles, such as paintings, jewelry, or antiques. Popular vehicles used to fund IRAs include:
Mutual funds
Bank certificates of deposit (CDs)
Annuities
The two most common types of these accounts are the traditional IRA and the Roth IRA.

A traditional IRA is a tax-deferred retirement savings account with taxes being paid when the funds are withdrawn at retirement.
By deferring taxes, all dividends, interest, and capital gains earned on the investment grow over the years without being reduced by taxes.
To discourage people from using money in their retirement accounts before retirement, the federal government places penalties on early withdrawal of IRA funds. In most cases, funds cannot be withdrawn penalty-free until the IRA holder reaches age 59 ½.
If an IRA owner becomes disabled, early withdrawal may be possible without penalty. Also, if the IRA owner dies, IRA funds can be distributed to beneficiaries or the deceased’s estate penalty free.

Other exceptions to the early withdrawal penalty include the following:
Distributions used to cover medical care expenses that exceed 7.5% of the owner’s adjusted gross income
Distributions used to buy a first home
Distributions used to pay for higher education expenses
Distributions used to pay health insurance premiums if the owner is unemployed

In addition, when individuals reach age 70 ½ , they are required to begin taking minimum distributions from a traditional IRA if they have not already.
If they choose, individuals whose adjusted gross income is less than $100,000 can convert a traditional IRA to a Roth IRA without any penalty on early withdrawals.

Roth IRAs have most of the same investment restrictions as traditional IRAs. As with a traditional IRA, the maximum contribution allowable to a Roth IRA is generally $5,000 for individuals under age 50, or 100% of earned income, whichever is less. However, persons age 50 and older can make an additional “catch up” contribution of $1,000 annually, raising the total contribution level to $6,000.
Contributions to Roth IRAs are made with after-tax dollars.
To balance the fact that contributions to Roth IRAs are made with after-tax income, all earnings and distributions grow tax-free as long as the IRA is maintained for at least five years, and funds in a Roth IRA can be withdrawn tax-free after age 59 ½. Funds can also be withdrawn tax-free prior to age 59 ½ if they are used to purchase a first home or pay for qualified higher education expenses.
Roth IRA owners are not required to begin taking distributions by age 70 ½, and contributions to a Roth IRA may continue after that age.
An individual may contribute to both a traditional and a Roth IRA, but the total is subject to the same schedule of limits.

Haven't posted in a while.
I have been having some tough weeks.
Grandma was in the hospital & I was taking care of her.
Came home to unpack some more boxes and found a poem that Jay had written in one of my art journals.
ha. I don't even know why I flipped through the journal, I haven't opened it in years.
But I did
And I saw this entry, that brought me to tears for the entire night.
It's all so unfair. Such a young life. So full of love. So much to give, so much left to live and gone.... gone to his disease.
There's not enough information out there.
There's not enough funding
Enough help...
Every time I look at online articles, I just keep seeing more and more about opiate addiction.
There has to be something more we can do to help those suffer from the disease of addiction.

I logged on today to write the poem out for you all.
But just looking at it brings me to tears.
Life is short. Enjoy the beauty of love. Remember to tell the people that mean something to you, how much they do.
You never know how much some people are torn apart on the inside, or when they might walk into a bathroom and never come back out again.

Jason kept refering to me as his light. His angel. His beauty.
I wish he would have realized that he was mine as well --
I wish he would have seen the beauty in himself
It's just not fair...

Take a few moments... take it all in

Haven't been online much.
Dealing with life.
Trying to move on?
Stuck in the same whirlwind circle in my head...

Browsing photography & the news today I came across a photographer who did a short photojournalism piece of homeless addicts in the bronx. I found it moving. The images, faces, stories... people most of us see daily in our own cities and just walk past...

http://www.cbsnews.com/2300-504083_162-10011486.html?tag=page

If you have some time - take it in.
Makes you think about saying hello, sitting down to that panhandler and listening to their story

Addicted to Drugs? Blame It on Brain Anatomy

Risk takers give birth to risk takers
Published on February 21, 2012 by Professor Gary L. Wenk, Ph. D. in Your Brain on Food
Do you feel impulsive today? How much risk are you willing to expose yourself to for the sake of a few dollars; how far are you willing to exceed the speed limit just to cutting off a few minutes from the morning commute; how easy is it for you to turn down just one more line of cocaine? Each of us would answer these questions with a wide range of nuanced responses. Life is a balancing act: on one side is impulsive action; on the other is thoughtful hesitation.

Psychologists have studied this balance for many decades; cartoonists have depicted the event as an argument between an angel sitting on one shoulder while the devil sits on the other; both are whispering into their respective ear. Do it; don't do it. Our response is significantly influenced by the genes we inherited from our parents. Risk takers give birth to risk takers. The category that you fall into as a child offers insight into your future mental and physical health and your probability of spending time in jail, becoming obese or developing an addiction to cocaine.

Recently, a group of neuroscientists at the University of Cambridge published (Science, Feb 2012) evidence showing that abnormalities in the connections between specific parts of the brain (within the inferior frontal lobe) underlie our ability or inability to control our behavior. Furthermore, their results provide insight into why siblings sometimes display quite different levels of impulse control. More importantly, their study offers hope that it is possible to avoid the same fate as your addicted sibling —they're just not sure how, yet.

The scientists examined the brains from fifty biological sibling pairs. Each pair consisted of someone who was dependent upon stimulant drugs (such as methamphetamine or cocaine); the sibling pair was required to have no history of drug or alcohol abuse. The information obtained from these siblings was compared to that obtained from fifty healthy volunteers who were unrelated and matched for age and level of intelligence.

The siblings, whether addicted to stimulants or not, both demonstrated personality traits that are highly predictive of being vulnerable to long term drug abuse. The major behavioral symptom was having poor inhibitory control, i.e. it was quite difficult for them to stop doing something risky when instructed to do so. The scientists discovered a high correlation between an inability to control one's behavior and a deformed structural integrity in brain regions that critical for this ability.

Why is this finding so important? Because it clearly demonstrates that important features of our brain anatomy, features that are present at birth, predispose us to drug addiction. In the past, the assumption was that the drug-taking experience altered the brain and all that was necessary was that we avoid the drug, i.e. "Just Say No." Essentially, this approach is doomed to failure because we inherit our self-control deficits. The imbalance in control that develops between vulnerable brain regions is also thought to predispose people to thrill-seeking and impulsive behaviors such as gambling. An explanation for why one sibling succumbed to drug dependence while the other did not remains to be determined.

Heroine - an international problem - too many good people getting hooked and dying

(CBS News) by Willem Marx
U.N. Secretary General Ban ki-moon said Thursday that Afghanistan will never be stable unless it tackles its drug problem. He spoke at an international conference in Vienna.

Ninety percent of the world's opium originates in Afghanistan's poppy fields -- and much of that is turned into heroin. CBS News contributor Willem Marx took a look at the problem.

Beneath a notorious bridge in downtown Kabul, a human tragedy festers. For more than a year now, hundreds of heroin addicts have lived there -- an ancient opium den in a modern urban sewer. Thousands more drop in each day to buy, smoke and inject their daily fix.

"How do you react when you see that level of misery?" Marx asked Jean-Luc Lemahieu, who heads the U.N. Office on Drugs and Crime for Afghanistan.

"Appalling, appalling," he said. "And even more appalling, it is happening just below and in front of us."

Lemahieu said with ever more users injecting their drugs, there's a troubling new statistic. Around 1 in 14 of Afghanistan's drug users is now believed to be HIV positive. And with addicts sharing needles, that number is soaring.

This is how an HIV epidemic brews. We watched as men reused bloody syringes again and again -- so many, that we had to walk carefully among the addicts for fear of treading on an errant needle.

"Each day my life was getting worse and worse," said Abdulrahim Rejee, a former heroin user who crawled out of this despair a year ago. Today he lives with nine other recovering addicts in a shared home.

Abdulrahim credits a pilot program involving methadone, a heroin substitute that requires no needles. It is widely viewed as the best defense against the spread of HIV here.

"I feel my life has changed 100 percent," he said. "I have rejoined my family, and I feel very healthy."

But methadone is available for just a fraction of Afghanistan's addicts -- Abdulrahim and 70 others.

"We need to expand the delivery of that service to a lot more addicts than what we are able to do today," said Lemahieu.

The only other option here is to go cold turkey at a detox clinic. Under the bridge one morning, Marx saw an addict collapse from an overdose. Abdulrahim jumped in to resuscitate the struggling man.

"When I go to that bridge," Abdulrahim told Marx, "I want to help those people, that they can live like me."

The man barely survived barely, But with limited care available, he lived only to shoot up another day. This misery persists, while a deadly virus continues to spread.

#2
Hold my hand and know that I am falling in love with you,
Kiss my lips, and feel the rush, you'll know I hold no others above you!
Reach out your arm, and I'll rub it softly,
Can you read my thoughts? They're about you mostly.

Look into my eyes, and see the reflection,
Of your darling smile, how it shines like stars in heaven.

Have you ever caught a gentle breeze?
As it dances the wreaths of willows,
It's tranquil comfort can not put my heart at such ease,
When compared to laughing with you, under blankets and pillows.

So roll with me, in a bed blanketed by flowers,
And make love to me, for endless amounts of hours.
Toast with me a chilled, crisp glass called divine,
And indulge in me the warmest dream, that you always be just mine.

My sweet Victoria, what can I say,
You take my every breath away,
And from the start of everyday,
Please known that you make me feel this way!

~J

Hey Jay,

It's been so long since we've talked. I miss the sound of your voice. All I have left are a few videos, some recorded voice mails and memories. But it's not the same. I miss coming home to u sitting on the bed "hey baby" with your arms outstretched to give me a hug. I miss how tight those hugs use to be when I was having a rough day. Jay every day has been a rough day since you're gone. I miss your hugs. I miss the safety I felt when standing next to you. I miss the glimmer in your eyes. How you'd break into song. I miss the sweet poetry and letters you'd leave me. I miss laying in bed, talking all night. i miss u. i miss the person i use to be and the person you helped me become.
I've never had so many days of tears, or just being a shell of a person. I wish you could come back to me or come get me. Where are you? I need you to hold my hand again.

I remember that last night we were together, you reached for my hand to cross the street and you said "i always want to hold your hand to cross the street" you just always wanted to take care of me. i treasured it so much. i hate that i failed you. that i didn't get into the bathroom quick enough to save you. i pay for it every day. riddled with guilt. a shell of a person. i just want to be with you. i watched the emts get on top of you in the ambulance. i never pray. but i just prayed so hard you'd be ok. and then when your mom caled and said the doctors were working on you, i breathed a breath of fresh air... i thought you were going to be ok, until a few minutes later all i heard was "tori he's gone" why jay, why couldn't you hold on? why couldn't you get a second chance? you had so much to give this world. i don't think you ever saw it - but you made such an important impression on all of those around you. you needed more time here... i miss u jay, more then words can express. i hope that wherever you are, you might be able to read my words, or hear my thoughts or the things i say out loud to you. i hope that you have found peace. i hope my grandfather has found you and the two of you are sitting in lazyboys just waiting for mam's to come make you some french toast :)
ok the tears come down to hard to keep writing.

Just One (Of Many)

As I sit in this room so restlessly pondering
In the glow of twilight's dew
I cannot help but go on wondering,
For yet another reason why I love you!

My thoughts are overflowing,
As spill out reason and fact
While my heart, I feel lit glowing
Golden as the pollen aflutter from a butterfly's back

My darling love, my perfect love,
The words hath sent me reaming
Such perfect Love, Forever love
Please tell me, I am not dreaming

That I with soul so devil blackended,
Could have an angel so kind and true
I question the marvel of how it happened,
And find yet another reason why I love you!

If Heaven really does exist
with pillars of light & celestial wish
I'd have to say it's not a wish
if heaven I could not bring your kiss

Violins a chord in heaven
playing for the angels seven
& ambue a beauty onto the world
that night compares to the
loveliness of this girl
& play to the levels of angels 7

For T

-2011

This is the love I give to you dear
More then the single words I try to say
I only live to love you more each day
More then you'd ever known
-For T

Moving... in? on? around?

moved into my own apartment today
i was suppose to be moving in with Jay...
I was suppose to be moving into the building I choose to move to
-with jay-

there is a sense of calmness here
like, maybe Jay is here with me in spirit, happy to have finally "moved in" to this place
Happy is thrilled to be here.
He's doing laps around the apartment
Psyched to leave days in the cage behind him
His new favorite place to hide is under the couch, and he's kind of fascinated with the toilet, especially right after it's flushed.

Yet, I'm here, so sad.
Missing Jay so much.
I've found his toothbrush, the carpet he was pulled out onto by the EMTs
I'm sitting on the couch we use to cuddle on
I've found way too much.
Haunted by it all. Yet I can't let go of it.
I can't let go of him.
Am I going crazy?
or maybe, I'm already there?

Dad says moving out of his place and into my own place is about moving on.
I don't really feel like I'm "moving on" at all.
This step feels more like, moving around...

ahhhhh....
anyone else have experience with this?

Beyond some fifty heavenly spires

Beyond some fifty heavenly spires,
Below the purple mist, and cool, cobalt fires,
Wedged between some jade colored stone,
And held within deep thought alone,
Lay Denmark, the Angel.

Under the shade of a Whaling, White, Willow,
Adorning his head, are his wings like a pillow,
He basks on the bank of a surrealistic scene,
Under a daytime moon that shines like a dream,
Peace be with Denmark, the Angel.

Few have heard of Denmark’s story,
(Which has said to have been lost, at the height of its glory,)
And Denmark himself, a handsome Devil,
Is said to be no more than a common fellow,
(Well, as common as an Angel can be.)

You see; Denmark, the Angel, has but one power,
An ability to devote one with love, if you will a shower,
A parade of affection, an uncanny desire,
To fill ones life with an essence of fire,
Imbue a soul with unthinkable passion,
And dress ones life in pristine fashion,
Acknowledge: This is Denmark’s gift.

Yet, Denmark is allowed but only one time,
To find such a creature to install something so utterly divine,
And with this knowledge develop for him,
The philosophy to never go out on a whim,
That with such a heavenly gift,
Came a responsibility greater than Gods!

For God may give to every being,
An undying love that can be neither felt nor seen,
Where as Denmark, the Angel must carefully choose,
Such an awesome power for he will one day loose,
Acknowledge: This is Denmark’s fear.

This is why Denmark’s tears fall like rain,
And if you had his fate, surely you would do the same,
For a perfect love, you had the power to give,
Yet, within all the world and heavens above, it was for one life to live,
Could you, would you ever want to be Denmark, the Angel?


You exist in Heaven, yet, you live in Hell,
You understand your fate, and you wear it well,
But none the less, you proceed with your days,
Within the angelic world, of an ever heavenly gaze,
Note: That this is Denmark’s plight.

So with these cruel, cooling days of November,
I ask my friends in good nature, remember,
That above your life exist another,
The life of Denmark, Heavens Notorious Lover,
Denmark: His true name is revealed.

When the autumn moon is gold and eerily cast,
And the breezes carries with it the memories of the past,
Lovers, friends, and family,
Think of our friend Denmark, who cries somberly.
By the Whaling, White, Willows, near a lake,
Where he hides from the shadow of his fate,
Say his name and wait a while,
And on ones face shall appear a smile,
For the essence of his power is so incredibly strong,
It can stretch at the thought of him, for a moment not to long,
And give the tiniest amount of hope you see,
To Denmark, the Angel with the Lovers existence of Agony.

-- Jason L. Mathes

addiction

today is such a struggle....
anyone else out there been through this?
the loss of someone to addiction...
does anyone understand the disease? the lies? the want?
why jay? why not someone else....
i hate that i can't find the place in my heart to get mad at him, but i get mad at others for living...

i'm going to browse around blogger.
maybe ill find someone else who is going through similar situations

help me make some money...
please click here and dl :)

never the same

6 months ago my life changed forever
the night replays over and over in my head
dear baby, please watch over me. i want to be with you. i'm ready to be taken to that magical place that you are. but until whoever decides its my time, please don't leave my side. you are always and will forever be in my heart, the first thought when i wake up in the morning, in my dreams at night, and the heaviness that i carry with me.

just don't know what to do with myself

can't sleep
crazy dreams
these thoughts just don't stop
sadness
tears
lost

just don't know what to do with myself sometimes, and i try to get lost in some art.
recently I bought this pattern off of etsy.
it's turning out to be incredibly easy - soft and warm :)

stay warm - comfort crochet pattern on me!

here we go around again

i keep coming and going
i want to say that this time i'm staying

i need to write
get it all out

these thoughts inside my head
they're driving me mad
sometimes i just feel so beyond sad
hopeless
lost
my soulmate is gone

why jay - why did you make the choice to use?
a needle?
heroin?
locked inside my bathroom
lying on the floor

why did you stop trying?
was it a mistake?
i hate to think that you'd leave me on purpose
but i called you out on your use that day
i asked you to go to detox
had you given up hope on yourself?
I didn't think so
I never gave up hope for you
for us
for our lives together
always looking forward to coming home to you
feeling safest by your side

the noises
snoring?
gas?
gasping for air?
they don't leave my head

the panic breaking into the bathroom
screaming your name
no screwdriver
use a scissor
can't get the lever open
can't see you on the floor

your body.
it's blue
i don't feel a pulse
there's a needle on the ground
help
i need help

no shoes
can't think
running outside
screaming for help
someone call 911
i need help
i'm dying with you
i must hold on
i have to save you

i move the shirt you wrapped around your arm
sit you up
there's blood on the ground
mucus coming out of your mouth
no movement in your eyes

EMTs they came quick
what did he take?
i have no clue
was he drinking?
i don't know
did you guys smoke pot
no nothing. we've been together for 3 hours.
he hasn't left my sight
no drugs. no drinking.

i'm hysterical.
they pull out tubes.
someone get her out of here
it's worse not watching
not knowing
scared to death.
must hold on

they bring you out.
gas mask on
i see the emt get on top of you in the ambulance.
he's working hard
jay please
i need you
don't go
i pray
tears. uncontrolable.
so sad.
my savior. my safety. my other half. one true love
fading away before my eyes
i can't do anything to make things better
please god please just let things be ok

the ambulance is off
he'll be at the hospital in minutes
they will save him.
i have to go

i can't leave
it's a crime scene
trapped
please god please save my baby

it's not long after he's gone
his mother calls and says they are working on him
i'm on the phone with her when the drs come out to talk to her
tori. he's gone.

my world crashed
overwhelming sadness
i lay in his bed that night
can't believe he's gone
someone help - help me go with him.

he doesn't look like himself in the coffin
i stay
i hold his hand
i never leave his side
i watch them roll him down
close the lid
lock him in
oh god. ill never see my jay again
my world is so dark
i'm dead inside

i speak at his flower covered coffin
i can't get through it
i break down and cry
i hate you god
why didnt i get into the bathroom sooner?
why didn't he come to me?
why?
why?
why?
so much guilt
so much sadness

everyone leaves.
i stay
they slide him into the wall
i rub his coffin
jay i never left your side
i would have never left my side
im not ready for you to be my angle - i need you here on earth

months later
the sadness overwhelming
meds dont stop the daily crying
the hopelessness
i'm ready to go
i want to be with my other half. my soulmate.
the man who made me feel safe.
i'm ready
please take me
please bring us back together...